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Shit, when’s the last time I shaved down there? Did that pimple on my thigh ever go away? Do I smell strange? Are they still having fun down there? Am I taking too long to cum? Am I going to cum at all? They just made a sound, what does it mean? Does my stomach look good in this angle? Are my tits staying upright?! Should I moan more? Am I moaning too dramatically?

How many folks can relate to this internal dialogue?

This type of self-talk can completely ruin a sexual encounter. It is really difficult to stay in the moment and simply enjoy the sensations. When folks have other things on their mind orgasm is less likely and the interaction is overall less satisfying.

Men and women can both get in their head during sex, however it often materializes slightly differently. Men are more likely to have anxiety about having a large cock, staying hard, and lasting a long time before cumming. This anxiety is of course real and can be disruptive, but very different from the type of anxiety more typical to women, which is the focus of this article.

Women are raised to be givers. Many straight women on some level still think of sex as something that they give to men. As a result, sex may feel like a performance, and the way that they rate a sexual encounter may actually have more to do with the man’s enjoyment than their own. In fact, research shows that women make more noise when a man is about to orgasm during sex than when they are about to orgasm.

A large biological difference between sexes is that penises are usually not at all subtle in expressing if they are aroused. However, vulvas and vaginas don’t express arousal as clearly. This in conjunction with women’s socialization to please, can lead many women to fake pleasure, if the person they are engaging with isn’t genuinely pleasing them.

So how do you get out of your head and simply feel the sensations when hooking up?

If there is one specific thing that keeps getting in your head, vocalize it to your partner. I used to be very self-conscious regarding how long it takes me to orgasm. One time my partner was eating me out, and it was taking a really long time. Instead of enjoying the sensations, I got in my head wondering if he was bored. Once I was conscious of this, I decided to ask him, “Are you still having fun down there?” He lifted his head up and nodded enthusiastically and continued. After that, I was able to get out of my head and simply enjoy it. If you are self-conscious about the way your pussy looks, the sounds you make or the way you smell, vocalize it and you may realize that it isn’t something your partner is thinking about at all.

It would also be helpful to communicate with your partner about how you sometimes get in your head during sex. Then, you can work together to resolve the issue. Your partner or partners can learn the types of things that take you away from the moment and help assuage any concern. For example, my friend gets really distracted when having sex in a dirty room. He finally admitted this to one of his partners, and now their cute foreplay activity is cleaning. Once I told my partner about my fear of taking too long to orgasm, he promised to stop licking my pussy the moment he isn’t enjoying it anymore. Then I can assume that if he’s still down there, he’s still in the game! Think about the types of things that get in your head and if there’s something a partner could do or say to help you feel more in the moment.

There is an unhealthy focus on orgasm in our society. I have had amazing sex where I haven’t cum and mediocre sex where I came. One way to get out of your head during sex is to not worry or think about orgasm. If it comes, it cums. One way to practice this is to masturbate without orgasming, instead just practice feeling the sensations. Have an intentional focus on touch, without judgement or expectations. Once you are able to get out of your head when masturbating, it will likely be easier to continue this practice with a partner.

Learn to express how you like to be touched. Maybe part of the reason you are so in your head is because your partner isn’t touching you in a way that feels great. Learn to express what feels good, and remember you deserve pleasure too!

The ironic thing about trying to get out of your head is that by putting a lot of effort into getting out of your head, you actually become more in your head. Once you notice you are in your head during sex, try not to give too much attention to your thoughts whatever they are. Instead, take deep breaths and focus on sensation.

It is important to learn how to receive pleasure, which is sometimes a selfish act. However, being selfish in this way will likely make an encounter better and more satisfying for all parties. Remember that you deserve pleasure, but sometimes getting out of your head and learning to relax and enjoy the sensations takes practice.